OMG. I miss you... Goddamit!

The things left unsaid

I wish I could say that I want you to stay because I do
But I won't because it would be the same as me asking you to pretend to want me.

I want to tell you that I miss you and that I ache every time I think of you.
I think about and constantly resist messaging you all day and night
But I won't because what good would that be?

I want to tell you that I miss "us" and that I still want us to be together
That i carry this love for you that makes it so difficult to not want to be with you
But I won't because that wouldn't change anything either.

I cannot undo it
I cannot change it
I cannot fix it
I cannot hope for it

The only choice is to shut up.
Let you be...
Let you go...

Somethings are left unsaid because it does not really matter
but somehow some way they need to be expressed.

Love letter for

We met

We found a part of ourselves in each other

We fell in love

Quickly but not suddenly

Unexpectedly but not surprisingly          

Totally

Completely

New Love

When I met her it felt like the red velvet curtains of my life had just opened, a new show, new story, new life had just begun. In the opening scene she took center stage beautifully compelling. Her presence commanding and undeniable.

There is no Santa

Today was just like the day I found out there was no Santa. I was devastated. I felt that everything I believed in was not real and it hurt because I wanted them to be real. There was no magic, no Rudolph!Why did they have to tell me there was one? For the entertainment value? I was crushed. I felt cheated. I felt stupid. I was heart-broken. Eventually, I got over it.

Years later I realized my parents meant no harm. As kids we need to believe that magical things happen. I learned to appreciate what Santa stood for because I saw the attitude of giving that it inspired with my parents and the people around me. I gave me hope that magical things could happen like true love...
Soulmates...

As I puff away on my cigarette, I replay the day in my head. I'm transported back in time to that feeling years ago. You see,I met somebody who I thought was "THE ONE". Like Santa, it was magical. Then something happened. She changed her mind. I was not "THE ONE" anymore. I went from definitely being "the one" to possibly being one of two. What was once magical now is just another one of those ordinary things that happen in life. Again the familiar feeling of being crushed, stupid and cheated.

I'm a fighting romantic but I'm beginning to think that I'm finally jaded. Maybe there is no "ONE".  Just because they say they are and you believe it with all your heart it's not always true. Maybe like Santa it is just a reflection you'll find in many people.

I'm haven't completely given up. I think it's okay to want the magic however we should never forget that at the end of the day people are people. We are flawed. We will disappoint each other. The challenge is to be able to forgive ourselves and the people we love when they don't live up to romanticized version of the perfect person in our head. Look at what they've inspired in you to feel and do. It's magical to feel that you're in love.

Kisses are not promises and rings are not guarantees. Be brave enough to love, patient to let it grow, wise enough to know when to stay and always strong enough to go and not look back. There is no Santa and maybe no such thing as the one but I'd still like to fall in love and believe in magic...

"THAT" kiss

She branded me with THAT kiss, like a tattoo

A memory permanently imprinted on my senses

Freedom from chains

I

I am free

A wild horse that gallops where the wind blows

I don’t need to walk or rest

I want to get more of the 1/3rd that people waste on sleep

I

I am free

A boat sailing without an anchor

I don’t need to know where land is

I'm bound to sail into it anyway

I

I am free

A calendar that reads "today" on every page

Tomorrow never comes and the past is lost forever

All we can really work on is today

I don't like chains, rules, schedules, plans

For they bind, limit and dictate

I....

You...

I with you...

Me…

Me with you

Makes me want to stop speeding all the time

To gallop through the city and trot on the scenic country roads

Though I could stay awake and be the one to switch-on the light of day

At night, I crave the restful pause of peaceful sleep in your arms

That 1/3rd can be 1/2 as long as I am asleep with you

Me with you

A boat bound for a specific port, My dreams a northern star

My sails filled every now and then by the thought of where you are

My eyes set on the shore, having a favorite lighthouse that I long to see

Me with You, freedom, to be anchored to something without feeling chained

You are my yesterday’s dream

My tomorrow ‘s hope

And my every today

Soul Speak

Despite the similar preliminaries and sensations, I know this is not the mere call of the flesh. 

Now I know why this need and urgency to make love to you. 

Touch is the only language with which the soul speaks with and listens 

My soul has something to say to yours and I need to know what yours has to say to me. 

Kiss?

Animus and Anima

We are all animus and anima, man and woman, in one capsulated ball. 

The man in me will make love to the woman in you and the woman in me will reply as well by making love to the man in you and viz a viz. 

Animus and Anima. 

In a bed of entangled souls we will be both might and mercy, strength and grace together.

Love Letter - My Final Thought of the Day

Curled like a half moon at the edge of the bed, white sheets like clouds, she reaches out to cup the cheeks of her mug resting by her bedside. Her palms reminiscing how your face felt pressed against it the other night. She brings it forward to sip, as if to kiss. The taste of the fruits of summer flow into the thin opening of her pursed lips. 

In quiet darkness, she recalls the sound of your voice. In an instant she is transported to the bank of still waters in an unspoiled paradise somewhere during the fall. The leaves crackle underneath her as she rests her palms on the ground, propping herself up to soak in the moonlight. A light night wind blowing your name into her ears.

She wipes a glance across her bed, watching it grow exponentially into a field of sunflowers and stargazer lilies. Imagining you sleeping on yellow petals as if you were in a sea of sunshine. She imagines she would lay beside you and spoon you from behind if only to nuzzle your neck until you wake. Alas, she merely sits on the bed beside a pillow with an echo or your scent.

Any and every thought inevitably leads her to back to you. Such a bittersweet sort of pining. Such a tender ache. Wanting nothing but to run her hands all over you to slowly rub away the stresses of the days that have passed. Thumbs rubbing the temples of your wrist to soothe your hands and ready them for another day of wafting clouds and plucking stars.

Until the time she sees you again, she sits content to touch you with her mind. Writing love letters in the dead of the night so you may wake knowing you are her final thought at the close of everyday.

Goodnight darling.

A Love Letter - "Su bebé"

I woke up in the dead of the night with a poem in my heart for you. Here it goes:


Venir aqui el amor. Leave the cold room and lay in my warm sheets.


Venir aqui el amor, face me and lay across my lap. Let me hold you like a Spanish guitar.


Let me glide my fingers effortlessly from the top of your neck to the bottom of your spine.The ridges like frets, my fingering changing as they walk the mile of your back.


Come and let us sing in breaths and moans as my lower arm rests on the dip of your hips while I strum your back and kiss your lips.


Let's make beautiful music in the night while the lonely moon peeps through the window, envious of us.


Ven aquí y déjame que te amo.


Su bebé


Venir aqui el amor (come here my love) y déjame que te amo (and let me love you)
Su bebé (Your baby)

Love Letter - The Early Days

Like a thief tiptoeing around me, the minutes grew into hours without notice. I sat endlessly without tiring, no grasp of time as I thought of the what, why, and how of "you".


I find you complexly delicious and out of reach of words. A testament to my inability to string the right words together. Aargh... words.They are so limited and limiting when it comes to "you".


I pause shortly and then start laughing at myself realizing that all I truly have is many words to express that I have no words.


Goodnight.

Food for the soul. Low carb+high pro!

I've always hated cooking for myself specially on a weeknight. Tonight was different. I felt inspired. Instead of painting,I decided to cook! Nothing fancy but something that I knew would satisfy not only my taste buds but my spirit. Food is one of those rare art forms that truly engages all the 5 senses. Cooking a good tasty and healthy meal for yourself is a way to heal and love yourself. If you put garbage in your body then you also get garbage in your soul.

Fear and Faith

I see you best when my eyes are closed.

Pastel Painting by: Bianca Bueno

The fear of the future is the fear of the unknown. We resort to logic to battle the fear. We try to “know”. But even with our best logic, it’s impossible to really “know”. The sooner we make peace with that, the sooner we can live. The sooner we can experience life as "ourselves".

In the context of pursuing a new relationship, we sometimes fear the future so we can protect ourselves from it if need be. But even with our best calculation we still end-up with a guess. When I feel like I’m falling for somebody, it’s human for me to want to know my future is with the person I've chosen and I also want a guarantee I won’t get hurt. Life doesn’t work that way.

In love as in most things in life, to move forward you need to take the risk and LEAP! With each new potential partner, we come to a point where we stand on the edge and stare into a free fall. That can be scary. I’ve had my share of heartbreak and it has gotten progressively harder to just “jump off a cliff and build wings on the way down”. This time I might just go splat! but old scars remind me of a few things I’ve learned the hard way.

There is no point fearing the future because nobody is assured of it, in relationships especially.We should be more fearful of not being able to “live” in the present because today determines the tomorrow. Today is all we truly have.

When do you know when to take the risk? Trust your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right it usually isn’t. Your heart has a way of telling you what’s right that your brain can’t comprehend.


“Leap and the net will appear”. I have chosen to not let fear get the best of me. I realized that if I live in fear, I cannot live in the present. If I cannot live in the present, I cannot have a future with the person I’ve chosen. Living in the present with the person I’ve chosen means I need to take that leap of faith. The question now becomes “is that person is ready to take that leap of faith with me...”

After awhile

After awhile I’ll learn the complicated solutions to simple problems or discover simple solutions to seemingly complicated problems. I’ll learn to not put my happiness on any one person or any one thing.

After awhile I’ll learn that just because you give all it doesn’t mean you get all.  You have to be clear about what you expect so you know what you're getting and they know what to give.

After awhile I’ll accept that there is no blame to assign for things happening the way they did. I’ll see the silver lining. See the truth that I stood more to gain by losing what I did.

After awhile all the pain will go away and feel indifferent. I'll look back and connect the dots. There is a reason why some people remain as a part of our past and not the future. 

After awhile... until then I just need to be kind and patient with myself.